I have lived with depression my entire life. It torments me in such a way that I cannot even describe. A Cancer of the brain I call it. Today is Monday, July the 10th. I have been in bed for about 22 hours a day, for the last five or six days. My anxiety crushed me to the point I couldn’t answer any texts, phone calls, even checking my email and social media was impossible. The last five days were hell. “You should just end it all.” A thought that comes through my mind far too often. It is like having a demon in your soul, another half that wants me to suffer. Putting these ideas into my head, whispering into my ear.
At least once or twice a day this terrible thought comes through my head. I want everyone to know. Suicide I would never ever act on. I love my family and friends far too much, and I know exactly how bad it would hurt them. Sometimes I daydream of seeing my funeral in the third person. My loved ones there crying. Family and friends in the stands. My friends would blame themselves, they would be angry that I did not say something to them so they could help. And my family who I love terribly. They might never recover from losing me. They are my rock, they keep me going. If anything were ever to happen to them, I have no idea what I would do.
Of course my SCI (spinal cord injury) and being paralyzed are a big reason depression torments me the way it does. I constantly feel like a burden. I miss my old life beyond belief. I constantly think back the mistakes I made. The people who I could have treated better, the girlfriends I should have tried harder to keep around. How I could have prevented getting shot. But my SCI is not when my depression began, just an aggregate factor. Being stuck in my basement 24 hours a day because fucking stairs keep me from leaving the house. Being unemployed; being broke and ridden with debt. Just another aggregate factor. I cannot believe me, a finance major, put myself into the worst financial position of anyone I know. But just like my SCI, that is an article for another day.
The first time I ever noticed I had depression was in the 8th grade. Day by day those same thoughts came into my head. I would try cutting my self with the metal from the open binder. I never made myself bleed, but it was clear I wanted to hurt myself. Part of it maybe was triggered by my home-life. Parents always arguing is an awful thing to listen to as a child. With no way to fix it, I just grew sadder and sadder. Thats when those dark thoughts started entering my head. You watch TV, and see these perfectly happy families. Parents who love each other and don’t argue, taking care of their kids as a team. My friends had families like this. I just imagined having a life like theirs. A home where I did not have to sit behind closed doors to muffle the sound of the yelling in the kitchen. In the 8th grade I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was something I was too embarrassed to talk about. I worried I would be punished rather than receiving the desperate help I need. Coming from Eastern European parents, ones that did not believe much in mental health. It was impossible to explain to them. So for the next 12 years I would self medicate smoking as much pot as I could afford.
Just like Cancer, there is no cure for depression. Sure there might be some medications that help. Antidepressants can mask it. But even with my high dose of Welbutrin I take, I still suffer. Smoking pot or taking anxiety medication can suppress it for a few hours. But smoking pot is an expensive habit, and with no prescription for anxiety medication, that is out of the picture too. Regardless, once those wear off; the evil dark spirit that wanders in my head, above my soul; it slowly takes over again. Pushes those thoughts back into my head. I’m already paralyzed and a paraplegic. But depression paralyzes me more than I already am. I did not want to be in bed for all the time I had mentioned earlier. But my mind refused to allow me to get up.
There was something my ex girlfriends dad said to me when we were out to dinner one day. My girlfriend at the time was bipolar and had BPD. So her father was well aware of how terrible mental health issues can be. He said to me, “If you had a family member with Cancer, you would do everything in your power to treat it. Mental health issues should be treated the same as those with physical health issues.” He was 100% correct. If you have friends or family who suffer mentally. Please check up on them. If something seems off, there probably is something off. There is a mental health crisis in this country. Everyone ignores it like its not real. But I promise, its very real.
I will likely write a follow up post to depression, living with my SCI, and my terrible financial situation and how I got there. But for now I just want to explain why I dissapear for days at a time. I have some errands to catch up on now. Thanks for those of you who read this. If you are someone who suffers like me. Please hang in there and know it will be okay. Message me on twitter if you need someone to talk to.
Have a wonderful Monday everyone. I love you all, and I say that with absolute truth.
One more thing. Maybe read about Mihai Nesu. Soccer player for FC Utrecht and about his injury, his life. He lost his wife and parents after his back injury and how he changed his life and others’ after he made a similar decision like yourself. To fight instead of giving up. He is now in the process of building a hospital for kids with similar injuries. All from donations.
I am not sure if a comment here can help you. I am not even sure what your reality is truly like. Is it much worst than what you describe or are you someone that likes to complain? I don’t know. But the fact that you are willing to talk about your problems with others and to help the rest of us see the blessings that we enjoy on daily basis, shows that you are really a great soul. Someone that has raised themselves to a certain spiritual level and is winning the battle against their past. Thank you very much for your article! Looking forward to reading more.